I have decided that I am an irremediably spoiled little bitch.
It's fine with me, I am who I am, but I feel guilty about the past 3 years... I had this vivid memory or me calling up larry or erik and whining at them to come down to my park cuz i wanted company. I feel bad about that. i was always, have always been, driven everywhere. sucha momma's girl. more like daddy's girl, but mum drove, so i don't suppose it counts.
You know, i remember this one phone convo with larry, i can't remember if we were together or not at the time (i think we must have been) and he said accusingly (to me at the time), "how come girls 'collect' boyfriends? you just date them a few times, then dump them, tying yet another pubic scalp to your belt" (he didn't say it like that but that was the basic gist) and i had never seen or thought of it that way, and was rather hurt, and came back with "well why do guys try to sleep with as many girls as possible?" i don't remember where the convo went after that (tho i remember i was standing over the dining room table at the time), but i've been thinking about what he said ever since. I think he's right, tho for most of us, it's unconscious. But it's a status symbol, a "see how many strong males are fighting for me. I can mate with whomever i please. I'll have the strongest, healthiest children" (oh Desmond Morris, my God, my God...). just like having sex with as many chicks possible is status sex- "see how dominant i am, look at my big tonker." I'm so friggin tired of big-tonker-guys. and chicks. big-tonker-chicks suck ass.
Feeling kinda violent now. that can't be good. But it's my experience that no troubles, no matter how desperate, deep or big, can't be drowned in applesauce. and so off i go, dear Heart.
Readin'
Listenin' to
Thinkin' about
Most recently I was 
