that's crazy, jordan and Saro (sz---? cz---? z---? scscsczzzz---?) and i were talking about hopkins yesterday. i always hated the bugger, not as much as elliot but then, jordan actually loves prufrock. PPPPFFFF. but the one hopkins line i really loved was "(my god!) my god." can't remember what poem. it wasn't carrion comfort, i liked that one too, very teen angst. La belle dame sans merci would have done really well at bardic circle last night, and i was kicking myself all night that i didn't bring it. hope they have another one before next halloween cuz then i'll remember.
[I have it on high authority, i.e. Chriss, that it was Carrion Comfort. Go me for getting it exactly wrong.]
things are ok, generally. i'm finding that i'm very much in a "you drag me down in any way and you're history" kind of mood... like, trying to distract me? unload on me? immature at me? so long. don't know why really, but that's how i feel. like i'm outgrowing a bunch of people VERY VERY QUICKLY. figure it's a side-effect of hanging out w/ TFS people- oh the snobbiness. but goddamit, i know i'm a snob, i'm a fucking good one, and if you're not at my level then you're under foot and you can deal with it your own bloody self. no mercy. i feel like i want to climb on top of the CN tower with a loud speaker and yell "grow up!" to so many people. funny how just ignoring them would work just as well. i sound heartless as hell. maybe i am. beh. slide off me like rain. i'm dealing!!!!!!
on the other hand... some things are not worth losing, or downsizing, or whatever. if i think you're any good for me, i will not let you go.
See?
i think. not too sure.
you're trying to fill up the silence. oh. now you've stopped.
i don't know what's wrong. i didn't think i'd cry. when i started this i was a cold rock, and now i'm hot and confused and upset. what changed? perhaps the fact that you say something i did upset you. likewise, but that doesn't take away the bite. i don't know why, i don't know what i feel, and i'm quite happy to superficially not think about it, but i think that's stalling. i think this is something that's going to need to be thought out. i think it involves feelings deeper than can be waved aside with a "whatever." which isn't what you want or what either of us can deal with. today i was so strong! i was an icemaiden, happy, even rejoicing in my solitude, because i was so strong. and yet you can reduce me to nothing more than a puddle of tears. why is that? is it because i care, or because you do? i prioritize differently. close people come first, far people next, work and everything else a far last. no one else puts things in that order, at least, no one else i've been with. and it hurts me when i'm put behind something else. i am the center of the universe, because i can be like a supernova: expanding, lighting and warming the whole galaxy; or like a black hole, sucking in worries, troubles, everything. i give hard and take hard and that's how i'm happiest. but you can't take what someone else doesn't offer you and yet here i am, still giving, still wanting to give. why? cuz i think i love you. in the sense i always said i did. because you're going to be a turning point in my life, in my "search for self." because i want to remember you on the good side of the fence. because there are now 2 things i regret in life, and i don't want to make that 3.
Readin'
Listenin' to
Thinkin' about
Most recently I was 
