Why is it that as we grow older and stronger
the road signs point us adrift, make us afraid
saying "you never can win," "watch your back," "where's your husband?"
i don't like the signs that the sign-makers made
So i'm gonna steal out with my paint, my brushes
i'll change the directions, i'll hit ever street
it's the tinseltown scandal, the robinhood vandal
she goes out and steal the king's english...
in the morning you wake up and the saints point to you, they say
i'm so glad you finally made it here
you thought nobody cared but i did, i could tell
and this is your year and it always starts here and oh
you're aging well...
[...]
When i was fifteen, well i knew it was over
the road to enchantment was not mine to take
'cause lower calf, upper arm
should be half what they are
i was breaking the laws that the sign-makers made
and all i could eat was the poisonous apple
and that's not a story i was meant to survive
i was all out of choices, but the woman of voices
she turned 'round the corner with music around her
she gave me the language that keeps me alive, she said
i'm so glad you finally made it here
there are things you know now that only time could tell
looking back, seeing far, ending right where we are
and oh your are aging
and oh i'm aging
oh aren't we aging well?
actually, right now i'm listening to "fuckin' an animal." oh tom. i miss tfs.
don't really have anything worth saying. everything's going back the way it was. i'm trying to become nicer. not so aloof and snotty. but it becomes me. i can help it but i don't want to. and frankly... frankly nothing. slowly sliding back into disillusionment. And I have earned my disillusionment, I have been working all of my life, and I am a patriot, I have been fighting the good fight... I want to fall in love again. I was watching Anastasia today (it was on tv, not my fault), and i was looking at the guy, Dmitri, and thought THAT'S what i want. i miss the laughter. the safe-laugh that only a beloved incurs and is allowed. the joy of existing in another's arms.Jouissance. In semiotics, the-joy-that-comes-from-orgasm-and-so-has-a-sexual-connotation-on-top-of-the-connotation-of-ecstasy. Ecstasy with sexual love. and a certain element of "peak", or the instant thereafter. it's not a time but a state of mind. the feeling that there's only one person in the world who can make you feel this great and special and safe and he's holding you right then. i'm an old-fashioned suck. I remember it best in the middle of the hallway with laurent, when he used to pick me up and swing me around. or valentine's day, falling asleep sitting on him. dozing really, i wasn't asleep, but i could have been. the feeling of waking up at 3AM because mike just turned over and cuddled up closer, and knowing you've got another good 10 hours to sleep that way. :) the happy times. everything's a trade-off, right? freedom and time for hugs and kisses. but human-warmth is worth a lot. They were both my only Warm Persons. Someone who warms you from the inside and outside. I remember for some reason mike being over at rj and me just sitting on him like a 5 y/o, splayed, exhausted, depressed and scared, and feeling so safe cuz he could make all the monsters under my bed go away. i'm such a little girl. all i ever crave is safety and control, in some form. usually control over myself, tho i'm not going to be so hypocritical as to deny i frequently want control over others. but who doesn't? and if i had it? right now, what would happen?
Not a helluva lot, methinks. I'm a great believer in que sera...
Readin'
Listenin' to
Thinkin' about
Most recently I was 
