I thanked the stars last night. I've never done that before. Normally, when I see a star, I immediately look for the brightest one and wish. but last night, or this morning really, it was about 1ish, i just looked up and sent out a cosmisc thank you. i don't have the things i normally wish for, good relationship, dog or cat, digital camera, own appartment, black socks, but i just felt like there was nothing more i could ask of the stars. i have it all. all i need, anyway. want comes later.
We were at stein's, it was the Ks, james and andrew, and aaron, and we were having a great time. drunkenly (well, i was) dancing and stuff. to "Home for a Rest". It was fun. and then guys from the next table came and danced with us, apparently i was dancing with some guy who kept coming back but i don't remember. i wasn't smashed, but i've never been so sober at 3 hard lemonades before. had a great time. :) james really showed'em (him) how it's done... what can i say, we've got Da Vibe. :) james rocks. on the other hand, aaron's dip looked good... you know, like tango-dip. that looked good. well, insofar as i could judge, seeing as i was the dippee. but yeah, had a great time.
the only thing, and this is going to sound crass, is that i've been reading "I Never Promised You A Rose Garden" again, and i am, and have always been, Deborah. "You are not of them" and "Nganon cries from itself". I remember the first time i went to stein's, was trying to explain to mike why he shouldn't go out with me- nganon cries from itself. Evil calls out evil, taint brings out taint, poison creates poison. i didn't know him but i didn't want to infect him, pollute him. only those who know me have a right to decide whether or not they wish to be infected. strangers have no knowledge. Being around me is to be tainted by me. it shows in large gatherings where i am close to the focus- people are uncomfortable, not sure how to act, fidgety. I thought once it was the culture gap, but i have always known, in silence, in sleep, before action or breath, utterly and immutably, nganon cries from itself.
And that's why my nelaq tankutuku means so much to me. Because she goes unhidden for me. Unconditionally, and unquestioning. i wonder if she even can raise the question. Mostly because she goes unhidden for me for no reason, not because she has to, as if she were a parent or a relative or a teacher, but because she chooses to, because she's a friend.
Readin'
Listenin' to
Thinkin' about
Most recently I was 
