Victoria University Motto: The Truth Shall Make You Free.
And finally, Sartre saves me again. Jean-Paul, I love you. Saw "No Exit" (Huis Clos) with my daddy last night. And know what? I am Estelle.
Bare with me.
What gives someone the power to control you, to hurt you? Deeper than pain. More fundamental than fear. What is it? You. You give someone else the power to hurt you. If you refused to be controlled/hurt,then they can't do it. Then all the power they have over you evaporates.
In Huis Clos, Inez and Garcin have power over Estelle because she needs someone to look at her, tell her she's beautiful, tell her she's desirable. In short, validation. [hmmmm. Familiar?] The moment they refuse to look at her, she's worthless in her own eyes. Because she can't look at herself without mirrors, glass or human... And Garcin. He was the traitor, the collaborator. He needs someone to believe he was brave, believe he wasn't a coward. Inez knows he's a coward because she is too. He has to convince her, she who hates him, that he's not a coward, in order to be saved. He can't live without her because she justifies him. Even if he does hate her.
SO. How do you beat this type of control? Ignore the source of unjustification, pretend you don't care about it long enough to make it true. But that would be killing a part of yourself, denying the reality of tenuous human grasp. Or you can not react. Had Estelle not been so fraught and panicky when she realised she didn't have anyone/thing to reflect her, validate her, no one would have known that was her weakness. Inez and Garcin would not have had any power of her. Nothing to threaten her with, no threats of "you will cease to exist if i close my eyes."
So screw you. I can live without seductive eyes and erotic smiles, without 4-y/o grins and Mad Mojo, and definitely without uncommittment and unanswer. Screw you both. I'm my own strong self again, and I don't need validation. HEAR THAT? And my blue shell is now skin-tight and flexible, and always, forever, immutably, rock-hard. You can't say I didn't try.
Readin'
Listenin' to
Thinkin' about
Most recently I was 
