irritated. i wrote out this long entry last night, then crashed. grrr. oh well. i was feeling very wordy yesterday, but now i'm not. stuff's ok. generally irritated with everyone. need a week alone. no hassles. yay reading week! 3 weeks away. got cast party tonight and gonna get smashed, i need some good old irresponsibility.
what REALLY irritates me is that i actually had some valuable insight in that last one and lost it all. now i only remember briefs phrases, and that's no use to anyone.
maybe more later.
Ok, i remember some of it and since i have an audience again... (been a while, hasn't it?) Anyway. was at the theater last night, left half-way thru "Clockwork Gorbachev" to have coffee with james only he was on his way home when i called cuz he was tired from work. I was frustrated. for the first time in months, i thought... compared... again. Mike wouldn't have ditched me. Even when it was inconvenient or even detremental to him, he always came. I was such a spoiled brat; i never thanked him enough. too late now, and i have learned... but still. i would have liked to thank him then.
So then i got to thinking about mike, as i walked towards the bay subway. stopped in at tim hortons. i was remembering all the physics he taught me there, and how much i loved it [Freudian slip: i originally wrote "him" and only noticed when i re-read. i love sous-rature: saying what you really thought, instead of what you wanted to say], and the philosophy i tried to teach him, which he promptly dismissed. i suppose i could have seen in that a metaphor for us- i was open to new ideas, open to him even when we broke up, wanting to embrace, wanting to accept. wanting to grow. and he... denied. shoved aside what didn't fit into his ideas, into his life. this isn't a condemnation by a long shot, it's merely an observation. i'll be the first to say i didn't handle it well, and i'll be apologizing for the rest of my life for that. i did the best i could under the circumstances, and it wasn't much. but i tried. and i can see that i did pretty well, as i look at others and thank god i didn't handle it the way they have. i am lucky. but luck is partly chance (or, the way i'm thinking these days, god being nice to me) and partly an exploited opportunity. i remember, in the past... when i have been in need, god always provided. now, i'm in severe want. there's a difference. so i'm waiting, impatiently of couse but there you are.
When i was talking towards tim hortons last night, i went up st. thomas from charles st. to bloor. passed next to the west side of the roots on the corner. there was a half-cm layer of snow everywhere, so i knelt down to write. i wanted to write "hi. be thankful for what you have." because... i don't know. because it seemed important that i do so. that people should stop and thinking about whose heart and hand they're holding, about whose time and thoughts they occupy, about the impact they have on the world. A male voice called out from across the street "That won't last long!" I looked up- a tallish blondish blob, smiling. he was nice. i wrote "hi." and stood up again. i said "doesn't matter really"- wanted to explain that as long as i'd seen it, the purpose was fulfilled, but i was afraid he wouldn't understand so i didn't. then his girlfriend started whining at him and my pants split down the leg as i knelt down to draw a happyface. it was funny but STILL...
So anyway, i'm done again for now, gotta start on the birdcage or it won't be dry by the time he goes to bed. silly birdy. being weird these days, very friendly.
the adjudicator specifically pointed out that "joydrop" was a good choice for the intro music. (he then proceded to read out the lyrics, but nevermind). :) i was pretty happy about that cuz roxie wasn't thrilled when i told her we'd be using that.
Readin'
Listenin' to
Thinkin' about
Most recently I was 
