Spent a long time thinking last night, about time, about life, about how much we waste of both.
And it finally hit me that my parents are 60, and that they might only have another 10, 20 years to live, and that very soon I might have to live without them. I have always been prepared for them dying, but it never really hit me 'til yesterday what death means. Never seeing my parents again. Being without them forever. Sure, we fight sometimes, but it's cuz we love each other. But to never see them again...
To one day, maybe, have to live without Rick...
And I thought, I know it's cowardly, but I don't want to live long enough to see my parents die. I don't think I'm cut out to be an orphan. I wonder how Andrea managed?
And so, I've decided, from now on, to stop wasting time with people. To say exactly what I think, to make sure they always know how I feel in case one of them (or me) dies. Even if I hate them.
I used to look forward to death, because it sounded like there was an afterlife, and I wanted to find out. I used to be interested. I didn't cry once when my grandmother died, I just thought she was lucky. But now, I'm terrified. I don't want to die, I don't want anyone else to die. Forever young?
And I definitely learned something else too: it's pathetic to threaten or commit suicide when you want attention, there is nothing so selfish on earth, and I don't understand people like that. That girl in BC, ok, I can understand that to a slight degree, but there were other ways, and anyway I bet, had it not worked, she would have been happy about it. I bet it was a mistake. Chronic pain, fine. Dementia, ok. Paralysis, you bet. Those are REASONS. Good reasons. REAL reasons. But anything else... is stupid and selfish. And I would never do that to people I loved.
Readin'
Listenin' to
Thinkin' about
Most recently I was 
