Hm. Hi.
Dunno... feeling kinda weird today... here, how I explained to Chriss:
=( but he hasn't said he loves me yet and it's bothering me. not so much that he hasn't said it (tho that bothers me too) but the fact that we've done so much and he hasn't said it... not like I want him to if he doesn't mean it and all, but you know...
Um, yeah. See? I don't know... I was kinda being sneaky yesterday, trying to worm it out of him, like "Is that ALL I am to you, some chick you picked up at the bar?" and shit... ;) I think he knew damn well wheat I was getting at, but hey... at least he's honest, right? And he made a point of saying he cared for me and that he wanted the best for me, which more or les means "I don't love you yet" (You know, tell a girl she's pretty and she'll think you think she's dumb, tell her she's smart and she'll think you think she's ugly... you can't win, boys...). Anyway, whatever. I'm happy he's being honest. I just wish we were closer, then I wouldn't feel so guilty... not that I feel THAT guilty, but you know... ;) So we've decided to take 2 weeks off to just talk, nothing more than kiss. Not really take 2 weeks off, more like just not doing anything that doesn't involve hands or anything ;) It was weird, I get to his place around 10, i'm like "You know I'm not gonna do anything without being on the Pill, right?" [sorry if this is a little graphic, but i trust anyone who knows about this page, so if you don't wanna keep reading then stop] Anyway, so he's like "of course, of course", and then like half an hour later he's like "I've got a box of condoms..." and I'm like "..." and then he flips out and he's all like "Oh my god I'm sorry I scared you god I'm so stupid" and i spend the next 10 mins trying to tell him he didn't surprise or scare me at all... only that I couldn't exactly communicate that to me [at least], it's kinda weird to want to have sex with a girlfriend you don't love. His friend Dak had been over, and had mentioned in leaving that he hadn't had sex with his girlfriend until after 3 months, and tho he didn't exactly say until he loved her, that was the implication, so i pointed that out to mike, who immediately started saying he hated dak for saying that, so then we bickered about that for a bit, but it's like... I don't know... How could he really want the best for me and all if he wants to be my first *real* lover but yet isn't in love with me? You know? Cuz I told him I'd be all clingy and everything BECAUSE, and then he kinda goes "that's bad so no sex etc etc" and then didn't act at all like he remembered THAT bit... I dunno. I think he does care for me, but that he also wants sex, and the two are incompatible right now. Well, at least, I'm not the right person for it, being all clingy and such... I dunno. Instead of looking forward to my first time, now I'm just thinking in terms of getting it over with. Wonder if that's influenced by Shubha? I don't know. Guess I sound massively insecure right now. I'd just like a little reassurance right now... I mean, he talks about the love of his life, Rhonda, who dumped him when he was 17 (meaning last year) cuz she was pregnant with some other guy's kid. Ok. =( But I want to be the love of his life dammit!!!! I know it's gonna take more than the 2 weeks we've had together, but... I don't know... I feel kinda like we've been cheating, getting to the fun stuff without the waiting and in-between bits. We've both been worried about going too fast, which is he suggested the 2-week rule. I was really impressed that he did, actually, cuz it suits me just fine. ;) Ok, I am kinda yo-yo-ing right now...
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