and all I can breathe is your life
Cuz sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight...
Michelle told me last night that right in the beginning of Mike and my relationship, he was touching her leg once in that sort of "nice leg" kind of way. (She does have nice legs, but still.) She hadn't told me 'til now in case I got angry (fair enough.) I always knew Mike ahd a soft spot for Michelle, although neither of us could figure out why, tho I guess she probably could a little better than I could. He tried to get her to sleep with him after we broke up. I wasn't very surprised.
But I was a little surprised at my reaction yesterday when she told me. I thought it was genuinely funny, and started laughing. Saying "Yep, sounds like Mikey" in the same way I would have said "Yep, sounds like Mike Manni [DKE frat boy]"- completely objective, no personal stake in there at all. That mademe feel really good, that I could do that. Of course, now that I started thinking about it, I'm slightly insulted, but not much, because I know his feelings changed later.
Funnily enough, I can't ever remember him telling me he loved me. I know he did, he must have because I would have demanded it of a serious bf, but I can't remember him ever saying it. I guess I'm sublimating it? Not sure. Maybe I have yet to come to terms with the fact that he was a good guy and still is. I feel ok with it, I feel fine with it and look forward to running into him again, but maybe I can't think ok with it. It's possible. Then again, maybe it was just so long ago... no. I can remember Larry, I can remember Erik. Maybe I'm just not ready to remember. :) It's ok. I get to hear it from Rick, and it means more to me than any other sound.
What propells us forward? What makes us keep striving and hoping and living and all that rot? For me... it's reaching just short of your ultimate goal. I mean, remember "Our Town"? We worked for months and months and put on a great Last Show and cried our eyes out for a week, even the choir. We pushed and pushed and climaxed and shattered. And I felt after that, that if that's what achieving your goals meant, I didn't want to ever do that- I didn't want to not havea goal anymore.
Like, you know, when you're not dating someone, you really really really want a boyfriend? (This applies mostly to girls, I can't really speak for guys.) And you wonder why you're single, and if you're too fat, or too stupid, or too easy, or whatever. And you flirt, and do desperate things like blind dates and approaching guys at bus stops, and all you ever want is just to belong to someone, to share and be safe in someone. And then it happens, and you hook up with someone, and you start loving them, and you have a boyfriend. And you stop giving it a second thought. Oh sure, you still love them, you love them a lot, they're the most important person in the world to you, but there's no striving anymore. You ahve the one thing you really really wanted, and the one thing that you always thought about, that kept you up at night, that sometimes you cried about and felt very sorry for yourself about, isn't an issue anymore. You need a new goal, so soon after devoting so much energy to boyfriend-finding.
And that's why I'm scared of getting married. Anyone who's known me for, oh, 3 hours, can guess how important marriage is to me personally, in terms of commitment (I don't know about before God, if He exists everything's before Him anyway, and I'm sure He's cool with civic marriages.) I've wanted to get married my whole life; when I was in grade 9, I thought I'd be married by grade 12. Yeah, I was that kind of girl. And the thought that, day by day, I'm getting closer to that far-off event, kinda makesme nervous. I'm one day closer to losing my life-long goal by fulfilling it.
Well, it's nearly 9PM and I'm dead tired. Granny & Da arrived and we drove them back to the condo, which they loved, and Auntie Jen sent me $10 (she probably actually sent me $35, but Mum decided to split it between us.) Had some news about Jenny and how she's doing with Mac (still together, 8 months, pretty impressive) and all, so it's all good and I'm tired. Mum's bustling and it's irritating, plus she's being loud and chipper and all fakey and stuff, which always ticks me off. I think I just generally need to go to bed. Bushed. Now there's a word you never hear anymore. I wonder if Afghanistan's bushed too. Hah. I kill myself.
Everything's good, just wondering where you are :) Let me know.
Readin'
Listenin' to
Thinkin' about
Most recently I was 
