depressed. just... depressed.
my eyes are dry and i
still don't even know you, i
still wish that i could hold you, i
sometimes want to die...
So i'm 20 and I have no goals, no aims, nothing to strive for. I mean, I have nothing I want to become, no visions of what I could be. I don't know who or what I am. I used to...
And I don't know what I want, either. I used to know that too. The knight in shining armour. The big house, with the cats and the dogs and the birds. No fish. The convertible. But above all, this dazzling, white, shiny shrink-wrapped knight, dazzling white smile, dazzling blue eyes, bright and glittery and un-me. He'd have charm, and charisma. He'd be funny, really genuinely funny, like, funny enough to be a really famous stand-up comedian of the colin-mochrie-type. sort of, anyway. tall, and strong, and strapping (no one uses that word anymore), and smart, and shiny. And we'd fit together. We'd work. Frozen in time. We'd never change, not in bad ways. Never grow apart. I remember Jay's theory of Growing Apart, and I'm not sure if I agree with it anymore- after all, if you grow together, sure, you have different experiences, but also a vast amount of shared experiences, which is why LDRs are so hard, cuz you miss out on that part. But everything back then (when?) seemed so... certain. I was so sure because I didn't know there were alternatives.
And I still dont' know what I want, and I'm getting less and less sure, day by day, with respect to everything, and I hate it! I hate instability, uncertainty. Predictaility is boring, but you can't always be guessing. I like stability. Even I need a little mystery from time to time tho. A little fickleness. Not much, but a little.
But thank you for writing that in your N/A :) I appreciated it.
Seriously eh? There are so many movies I want to see (for once!). Gonna go broke on My Eyeshadow ($18 each!?!?!) I got you a present that looked a lot cooler before I bought it than after, sorry =p And get back on ICQ dammit! i can send you 99a :)
Readin'
Listenin' to
Thinkin' about
Most recently I was 
