As yet another of my favourite diaryists bites the dust, I'm forced to rethink my diary. So many of my favourites, especially Lili and Slutboy and Jayson, are forced out, or underground, or away. My own first private diary was- it's now padlocked and passworded away, and frankly I don't even remember the URL. That's fine. Sometimes, I do understand what they mean about wanting to start a new history.
Frankly, I don't like the way my diary's going. It's boring. Mundane. I don't like it. Why am I being boring? Because I feel circumscribed. Because of my readership, or possible readership, or People Who Know People. Cuz, even though I'm a bastard, I just can't let myself hurt people that much on purpose. Sometimes I really envy QS, being about to talk so freely about his sex life- I have equally glowing words, but by social conventions and unvocalised rules of decency, I can't say anything, to protect R, and myself, and frankly because it's one of those "it's not your business" things if you actually know me.
I have 6 diaries, not counting the private passworded one. One private, one diet, one novel, one fights, one sex, one public. And yet this is the only one I really use. Why? I can take a wild guess, and so can you......
Audience! That's what I write for, an audience. Why else would QS be so blatant, or Marn so colourful? Why else would people make links, except to create hyper- and inter-textuality? (Yay Kristeva!) My other diaries aren't listed. I don't get feedback about them. I don't want feedback on them. But I don't like this diary being so mundane.
So what changed? I didn't always feel like this. Well... for one thing, my life stabilized a LOT with the advent of R. Less of those rollercoaster thrill-rides that are my mood-swings. Less of the guy-angst, too. Times with Steve mightn't have been that fun, but they were interesting. Or at least, gossip-mill fodder. Second year, the excitement that was Going Out With Michelle, is pretty much over (the whole "I don't drink anymore" thing contributes largely to this; so does the "I don't have any cash" thing and also the "It's no fun if I can't pick up" thing.) Angst is interesting. Sex is interesting. "Dish" is interesting (gay diaries get more hits than anyone else, eh?) The most interesting thing that tends to come from me is "I fucking hate my philo class and I ran into X today." While that's sometimes earth-shaking at the time... in retrospect, I often have a problem remembering the high points of the day.
[Incidentally, Megan Young talked to me today; it was weird, her voice is higher now than it was in grade school. MAN she's intelligent now! Dating an M.A. Architecture student.... How times change...]
So, I guess, I have the choice- close this diary and start a new, anonymous diary, and let'er rip; use this diary and write anything, irregardless of consequences or Public Opinion (tho the sex life might suffer, if R cuts me off ;) Technically the argument could be made that it's my diary and I can do what I want with it. But it doesn't work like that; I can't be blatantly irresponsible like that. It'll hurt me more than anyone else, anyway. But the alternative is to remain boring... isn't it?
Readin' "Good Omens" (Gaiman/Pratchett)- yes, again
Listenin' to "Sweet" (Switchblade Symphony)
Thinkin' about bed
Most recently I was 
