Nihilistic. Maybe it does apply to me. I just don't care anymore, about your lies, about your empty sex, about your lack of self-esteem. i'm not here to take any of your shit. any of you. maybe 1 or 2, pushing it 3, have a right. i've settled my accounts. you no longer belong to me. cord has been severed.
but for christ's sake, leave me the fuck alone. i don't want to care anymore.
GARCIN: I "dreamt," you say. It was no dream. When I chose the hardest path, I made my choice deliberately. A man is what he wills himself to be.
INEZ: Prove it. Prove it was no dream. It's what one does, and nothing else, that shows the stuff one's made of.
GARCIN: I died too soon. I wasn't allowed time to-- to do my deeds.
INEZ: One always dies too soon-- or too late. And yet one's whole life is complete at that moment, with a line drawn neatly under it, ready for the summing up. You are-- your life, and nothing else.
GARCIN: What a poisonous woman you are! With an answer for everything.
INEZ: Now then! Don't lose heart. It shouldn't be so hard, convincing me. Pull yourself together, man, rake up some arguments. Ah, wasn't I right when I said you were vulnerable? Now you're going to pay the price, and what a price! You're a coward, Garcin, because I wish it! I wish it-- do you hear?-- I wish it. And yet, just look at me, see how weak I am, a mere breath on the air, a gaze observing you, a formless thought that thinks you. Ah, they're open now, those big hands, those coarse, man's hands! But what do you hope to do? You can't throttle thoughts with hands. So you've no choice, you must convince me, and you're at my mercy.
ESTELLE: Garcin!
GARCIN: What?
ESTELLE: Revenge yourself.
GARCIN: How?
ESTELLE: Kiss me, darling-- then you'll hear her squeal.
GARCIN: That's true, Inez. I'm at your mercy, but you're at mine as well.
INEZ: Oh, you coward, you weakling, running to women to console you!
ESTELLE: That's right, Inez. Squeal away.
INEZ: What a lovely pair you make! If you could see his big paw splayed out on your back, rucking up your skin and creasing the silk. Be careful, though! He's perspiring, his hand will leave a blue stain on your dress.
ESTELLE: Squeal away, Inez, squeal away!...Hug me tight, darling; tighter still-- that'll finish her off, and a
good thing too!
INEZ: Yes, Garcin, she's right. Carry on with it, press her to you till you feel your bodies melting into each other; a lump of warm, throbbing flesh... Love's a grand solace, isn't it, my friend? Deep and dark as sleep. But I'll see you don't sleep.
ESTELLE: Don't listen to her. Press your lips to my mouth. Oh, I'm yours, yours, yours.
INEZ: Well, what are you waiting for? Do as you're told. What a lovely scene: coward Garcin holding baby-killer Estelle in his manly arms! Make your stakes, everyone. Will coward Garcin kiss the lady, or won't he dare? What's the betting? I'm watching you, everybody's watching, I'm a crowd all by myself. Do you hear the crowd? Do you hear them muttering, Garcin? "Coward! Coward!" -- that's what they're saying...It's no use trying to escape, I'll never let you go. What do you hope to get from her silly lips? Forgetfulness? But I shan't
forget you, not I! "It's I you must convince." So come to me. I'm waiting. Come along, now... Look how obedient he is, like a well-trained dog who comes when his mistress calls. You can't hold him, and you never will.
GARCIN: Will night never come?
INEZ: Never.
GARCIN: You will always see me?
INEZ: Always.
GARCIN: This bronze. Yes, now's the moment; I'm looking at this thing on the mantelpiece, and I understand that I'm in hell. I tell you, everything's been thought out beforehand. They knew I'd stand at the fireplace stroking this thing of bronze, with all those eyes intent on me. Devouring me. What? Only two of you? I thought there were more; many more. So this is hell. I'd never have believed it. You remember all we were told about the torture-chambers, the fire and brimstone, the "burning marl." Old wives' tales! There's no need for red-hot pokers. HELL IS-- OTHER PEOPLE!
ESTELLE: My darling! Please-
GARCIN: No, let me be. She is between us. I cannot love you when she's watching.
ESTELLE: Right! In that case, I'll stop her watching. [She picks up the paper knife and stabs Inez several times.]
INEZ: But, you crazy creature, what do you think you're doing? You know quite well I'm dead.
ESTELLE: Dead?
INEZ: Dead! Dead! Dead! Knives, poison, ropes-- useless. It has happened already, do you understand? Once and for all. So here we are, forever.
ESTELLE: Forever. My God, how funny! Forever.
GARCIN: For ever, and ever, and ever.
[A long silence.]
GARCIN: Well, well, let's get on with it...
Je veillerais toujours, Garcin,tu ne pourrais jamais te cacher de moi...
on the good side, i picked up a 28 y/o last night (brian, he's a sweetie), the black shell i bought at Brava looks great over my red dress, sanc's reopening on the 27th, james is coming to dinner tomorrow, it's jamie's birthday and i got him a 6' inflatable penis (i love the condom shack!), seen chriss for the first time in forever, been queenstreeting, and i can go to bed early tonight. can you be happy if you're nihilistic? doesn't that defeat the purpose?
oh well. whatever. I am. that's the important part.
Readin'
Listenin' to
Thinkin' about
Most recently I was 
