Tuesday morning (well, 1:13PM) and i've got work in a couple of hours. i HAVE to find a better job, the hours (can you believe it) are getting inconvenient. i'm going to have to work fridays now too, cuz i've got 6-9 class on monday nights. i actually considered dropping that class and finding another cuz i don't want anyone i know in at least ONE of my classes, but fuck that, i'm good at existentialism, i like it, i love dostoevsky and kierkegaard, so i'm sticking with it. Looking forward to getting back to school, miss grabba's, miss aaron and john. :)
I sit, I tell my doggie to sit, but i am not a dog, but you make the animal in me want to go out all over you... Who do you think you are, who do I think you are, I know who you are and it's hard to believe that God made you and me with the same hands...
It's true, sometimes i believe that. And it's hard to believe that I'm still a believer... Sometimes the difference is night and day between us. I mean... Hm. How do i say this? I was kinda hurt... disgusted... but of course i don't know her like you do (we're all thankful for small mercies)... You know what really makes me angry? That both of you would prefer your respective hers to me, and yet I'm so...normal. Hm. Deliberate obscurity. Why don't we put it this way- my whole life, my driving force, has been marriage- i believe in it more than i believe in oxygen. I don't think it's perfect, or even a good idea for most people, but i really want to get married. I want the security. Now you always waffled about that- "I don't know if i'll ever get married", kinda stuff. I accepted that cuz i thought that with time, it was possible. People (esp. my mother) are always kicking me for seeing marriage possibilities in my boyfriends. I even saw potential in larry, but the want overpowered reason and created a lot more potential then there was. And now, i hear you want to marry... her. That makes me so very angry. Not, I want to add, because I wasn't your "true love" or whatever- we can't all have the same "true love." But rather because I wanted it so very much and you always bullshitted, and she didn't even want you and you offer it to her on a silver platter. It's funny, you break up with someone because you love them and all they see is how much you hurt them. So, while you were there, were you renewing your friendship? You had all the time in the world to go for coffee with her and yet not 3 minutes to write me a goddamn email... It's funny, i sound angry but i'm not. more like self-righteous. Outraged on my own behalf. I suppose i don't really believe you were falling in love with her then, but from what i've heard from other people being around exes... it's not impossible. Was it starting even then? I may be oh so much younger and more immature than them, but how many of them broke up with someone they loved with all their heart to help your life, your career? To me, it was the most mature move i ever made, to you it was bullshit. I hope you understand now how much i loved you, why i did it and what it took for me to do that, how miserable i was. Whatever, it's old history now, and i have no interest in renewing it, but goddamit know the truth.
And you. You two were long before you met me, and still... she may be an amazing woman, not unlike all the other chicks you've ever talked about, but where did i come into it? You didn't even want me. I feel like such an idiot for going along with it all that time. I did not see an amazing woman. If you still do, i commend your depth of sight. You may have been able to tame the beast, but that doesn't mean the beast was worth taming. I'm telling you right now- i was never in love with you. And I feel so smug, knowing that I saved that tiny little part of myself, that i didn't lose myself all the way. A little drawer you've never seen. And it's funny, but i don't really want to open it anymore. The next person i hope to lose myself in is my husband. I can't afford the pain-price anymore.
But you know what? I'm smiling right now. Really. Because I'm strong again, whole again. Because I can say fuck you to both of you, and how you react will define the difference between us. Because we're none of us similar anymore, not even the same species... mundanes...
Will never know how I feel-
I look down on you.
Alright, gotten over myself... :) Bastard, you never told me you had one up again! I didn't like Scribble anyway.
I meant to do a reading last night but forgot. Been working my way through "History of the World in 10 1/2 Chapters", which is pretty good.
You know, a simple "thank you" goes so incredibly far with me... basic courtliness is so very important in the well-bred... Guess that's why James did so well with me. He was so very polite. Gracious, even. :) I remember needing that grace very badly. Guess I was lucky.
And now I don't need it from other people. Guess that's the difference- when you care, it's important, when you don't, it's not. i suppose one could say that this proves i care, but i don't think so- i think it proves i'm still hoping for a modicum of decency in Mankind in general. Pity, really. Basic manners, basic honour... so expendable, nowadays. Hard to come by, too. I remember a line from my diary about larry, when i first liked him- "Guys these days don't know anything about honour, unless they think you're talking about a judge. I want someone who is honourable."
Chivalry is dead, Sakti, but you believe in it like I believe in God.
Readin'
Listenin' to
Thinkin' about
Most recently I was 
