Still feeling pretty shitty. Fucking hate snow. Can I TELL you how much I fucking hate snow? Yes, yes, Canadian, what do you expect, blah blah blah. Just cuz I was BORN here doesn't mean I like being arse-high in SNOW!
(Can you feel the love?)
Was kinda disturbed yesterday, cuz when Diana saw some photos of R, she kinda freaked out and said he looked like Larry. I know they have the same physical characteristics (thin, tall, dark hair), it's one of the first things I noticed about R. But they're not at all similar in real life, because their personalities are totally opposite. But last night, I was looking at this one photo of R (this one), and it did kinda remind me of Larry. So I pulled out my ancient photo album (no, I never destroy or throw away photos, only delete them if I can), the one with photos of that chocolate-party we had at Larry's once with Olivier and Anne and Liz and Erik and everyone, and had a look at Larry's photo for the first time in maybe 5 years. For most of them, where his face is animated, Larry looks nothing like R. But for one of them (I think it was before the semi-formal he didn't want to go to and apparently told Erik he "just wanted to see what he could get out of me" for going; that should have been a tip-off), where he's looking serious, he looks a lot like that photo of R. Freakly so.
So of course, one of the reasons I didn't want to date R for a long time came back to me- in those photos, they looked nearly identical. I immediately started to feel a wave of belittlement, worthlessness, how I felt at the worst times with Larry. I mean, they even had similar ways of speech, call/ed me the same things (well, not now, obviously... ;) And I felt completely shocked that I could go this long without noticing how alike they are. I started crying into my pillow, "I am not dating Larry! And I'm not dating someone like him!" I mean, it's not like I've even thought of him in the longest time. I went to sleep really upset.
When I woke up, things were a little clearer, more reasonable. Of course I'm not dating someone like Larry. Anyone who's excessively thin, tall and dark-haired is going to have similar features. And there are only so many ways of speaking-to-girlfriends in the world. And all the guys I've dated have always called me "cutie" cuz they can't call me "hey, drop-dead-gorgeous-girl!" And if you've ever met R for .00005 seconds, you'd know immediately that he and Larry are nothing alike, personality-wise. R is simple, goofy, sweet, sensitive, open, accomodating and flexible. They share similar qualities (astigmatism, videogames, graphics, and yes, I call 'not reading enough' a quality), but they're not at all similar people. And when you get right down to it, R's 3 or so years older, so he can't be like anyone else, only the other way 'round. ;)
I guess the point of this entry was to spell out all my worries of last night, even though it may sound like I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not subconsciously trying to date Larry again or something. I was 16, for Christssakes. And next week I'll be 22, which is scary enough, I barely noticed 21 go by, and I am fully aware and confident of the fact that the guy I'm in love with now attracts me thanks to his own sweet, uncomplicated self, and that's what I love best about him. I couldn't possibly be subconsciously trying to date Larry again, cuz every guy since has been as unlike as possible, and R is a definite culmination of that.
(So yeah. I love R and that one photo resemblance is not gonna bug me now.)
10:03am
(Feel much better for having got all that shite off my chest.)
Been catching up on reading- CNN, CNC, Toronto Star, BBC. Now that I'm fully informed about worlds issues- I'm totally bummed out. Anyway.
Am reading through old, old emails from R, the first ones I ever got. They were so cute! And bashful! But they still make me blush ;) How could I have been so shamelessly blatant? Good grief, no wonder he was constantly shocked. It's amazing, tho, the road we've walked- how much we've changed. How shy we used to be. And now... Well, let's just say that, as fun as all that time was, the nerves, the adrenalyn, the not-breathing-not-eating bits... I'm glad I don't have to go through it again ;)
Readin' www.torontostar.com
Listenin' to computers humming
Thinkin' about breakfast, class, work, sleep.
Most recently I was 
